xXx Files


By Rienzope

Down below he could here them arguing.

"3 weeks with no production is inexcusable." "However the bioplant's growth has actually accelerated, it's now 412 meters long." "So what? It can be one thousand meters long, but if it's not producing it's useless." "The originator must be restraining it."

He tried to prop himself up, but the thing was cocked forward at a 30 degree angle by it's titanic testicles. The balls had ballooned so huge that they raised him nearly 100 feet off the ground. From his perch he had a good view of the many tarps that that had been strung together to cover the monstrous mass of flesh. He too wondered why it had been so long since it's last orgasm, but he knew he had nothing to do with it.

It had been drinking down tank after tank of plasma with no output. It had not just become longer, but proportionally much broader.

He heard the engines of a helicopter taking off below. In a few moments it was setting down on top of him, just a few yards away. He layed his chest down on the thing so he wouldn't be blown away. Three men approached, carrying bullwhips.

"Mr. Jakes, we've concluded that you have something to do with this interruption in production." The smallest one said. "This must stop immediately. Therefore you must be taught a lesson." The other two began lashing his back. The pain was excruciating. He cried out.

400 meters away, the head of the thing poked out from beneath the tarp. It send a ripple up its shaft, shredding cable tied tarps as it moved. Jakes could see it coming through the tears in his eyes. Oblivious because their backs were turned, the men continued their beating. In a moment It flipped the helicopter off, then sent the men flying. Jakes held his breath and braced against the straps to save himself.

Now the head was slowly rising… first leveling, then uprighting itself. After a few minutes it towered straight in the air. Jakes leaned back against the straps to support himself and squinted to see the tip of the thing in the sun. It felt like he was moving.

He looked down.

The huge balls were rolling. They'd roll a short distance, then the thing would lift one, then the other off the ground, to untwist the big sack. Then they'd roll another short distance.

______ Mulder crouched down to examine the bloody remains. "Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, then Madonna. It was just starting to make sense. Now this. What do you make of it Scully."

"I'm as puzzled as you are. Three notorious women pulverized …"

" By a giant penus that suddenly appears, then disappears." Mulder interrupted. Goo layered the carpet.

"Now Mulder, we don't know that it's a giant penis."

"In Florida, California, and now Florida again there have been sightings."

"Could be mass hysteria."

"And mass hysteria would leave tracks leading from the sea and then down phone lines and electric cables?"

Scully was silent. Mulder had a point.

"It goes to Florida for it's first victim, California for it's second and third female victims, then back to Florida for this guy."

"This guy was the world's biggest asshole." One of the beat cops said to his partner.

"He was wasn't he Scully?" Mulder smiled.

"So why the three notorious women first?"

"Guess it tried the world's biggest cunts, then decided to go for the biggest asshole."

"A switch hitter?"

"He's got the bat for it."

"I don't know that I'd call OJ Simpson the biggest asshole though."


Jakes was freezing. The waves splashed against his naked body. His lips were raw with the salty wind. The great pink whale beneath him was moving with at high speed. He hadn't slept for days. He just wanted it to end. _______

"So you think this penis is acting on it's own" "Of course. It has risen from some deep primordial sea to avenge the wicked, a curse upon satan's minions." "But you talk about this thing as if it has a mind of it's own, as if it's thinking for itself." "It can, and it does, I've been thinking with mine for years." "I love it when you're wrong." "Wrong? I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken." "The DNA results are back on the residue we found at the scene." "And…" "It's Jakes." "Jakes the overdeveloped bodybuilder?" "Yes. Only now he's overly overdeveloped." "So you think he's behind this." "Yes. Over or under it anyway." "Just indulge me for a minute." "Do I have a choice?" "No." "This is an alien induced skyscraper sized organ has an insatiable desire to reproduce. It searches endlessly for a suitable mate. It first tries to mate with the opposite sex, but it can't find anything that can take it. It then tries it's own sex, but that doesn't work either." "Then where is it now?" "I have no idea. But we know it uses the ocean to travel. In fact it probably feeds on plankton." "OK I'll go along with your theory for the sake of the argument. But I doubt that it can eat at all. If it is as you claim, a great big dick, then it would not possess the other organs it needs to digest food. The adult Cicada emerges from the ground with the sole purpose of reproducing. It does not eat or sleep. It has no mouth, instead surviving on the stores of fat in it's belly. Once it has completed it's fornication, emptied it's stores, it dies."

________ The man in the turban was running through the darkness. His eyes were wild with fear. The earth was shaking. Rocks tumbled from the sides of the tunnel. He slammed into the rock face. It was the end of the road. He clutched at the craggy rocks in front of him.

It was burrowing towards him, widening the tunnel a it approached. He was too afraid to turn around. He felt it press lightly against his back. A pause as it pulled away. Then…

Pound Pound Pound Pound

He was flattened and spattered across the rock wall. Thick glooey juice now poured out of the thing. It filled the room.


"Mr. Mulder I've heard much about you." "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Vice President." Mulder shook Dick Cheney's hand as he walked onto the plane. "The president is eager to meet you as well." "We are both wondering how incompetent a man must be to be unable to find a dick that's more than 1300 feet long." Mulder's face dropped. "Aw right, so you are Agent Mulder." The president peaked out from the toilet in the back. "I must tell you how truly blessed we feel horrid beast was able to erude you these many weeks. I'm sure you are even more eager than I to see the wretched monster." He shook Mulder's hand. "Thank you Mister President." "I want CNN there. I'll do a press conference at the cave where we found him." The president was ebullient. "I'd strongly advise against that." Cheney piped in. "Why Dick." The president reached over to the snack tray and popped a mini-quiche into his mouth. "I just don't think the American public is ready for a photo op of the president standing in front of a 110 story penus. It will also raise too many questions about how it got to be a 110 story penus." Cheney reached over to the snack tray and dipped a cracker into the jar of sturgeon caviar. "This stuff is pretty good. I've had better mind you. But this isn't bad." "But Dick, we've got to celebrate this somehow. This is a great day for America." "Yes it is Mr. President. Your speech is being written for you right now. But I think Kabul would be a better place to announce this." "Well, I'll defer to your experience and judgement Dick. But what about the boy, this `Jakes' fella. Now there's a great American." "Our intelligence would tell us something different Mr. President. We believe the penis acted alone." " But this victory needs a monument. Heck, we've got one for Vietnam and we lost that one. What if we just rename the Washington monument." " I'm sure the congress would be willing to entertain that suggestion." "Well, lets go to Kabul, but I'd like to see that cave for myself." __________

A line of hummers wove it's way across the rocky landscape. "There it is." The sergeant in the lead car yelled. It was still, half buried into the mountain face. The once gigantic globes had shriveled in their sack. The huge shaft lay mushy like a half inflated hot air balloon, Jakes lay lifeless on top of it. The wind rustled their wind breakers. "Poor soul." The president said with sympathy. "Appears to have died shortly after the deed was done." One of the entourage shouted. Mulder cleared his throat. "Ironic isn't it sir." "Ironic?" The president repeated. "Bin Laden takes out the World Trade Center. Then he takes a Trade Center up the ass." The group chortled. "This is a great day for America." The president beamed. "Yes it is sir." Dick Cheney replied. •

This collection was originally created as a compressed archive for personal offline viewing
and is not intended to be hosted online or presented in any commercial context.

Any webmaster choosing to host or mirror this archive online
does so at their sole discretion.

Archive Version 070326