Brainiac: The Party

Ancient History


By daviek

Rob was really enjoying himself. Happy Halloween, indeed. Having turned out a linebacker and three military men, he turned his attention to one of the most absurd-looking costumes in the room: a positively obese, hairy guy dressed in a loincloth and carrying a plastic club. "Caveman," Rob said to himself. "I can work with this."

He had always vowed to stay within the bounds of realism, even though he knew he could turn anyone into a six-armed, 12-legged abomination if he wanted. But Rob felt going that route showed he was running low on creativity. Anyone can do monsters and superheroes. To him, it was the difference between a stick-figure and a still life. And Rob was well past stick figures.

He walked over to the guy, allowing himself a laugh. He touched him on his ample shoulder and said, "Select object. Edit."

This was going to take some deep digging into his grade school history lessons. "Species: Homo neanderthalensis. Hair: increase length to two feet; color, brown. Brow: increase thickness 150 percent. Skull: increase size 10 percent. Jaw: increase thickness 100 percent. Teeth: increase thickness 50 percent. Nose: increase size and thickness 100 percent. Cheekbones: increase 100 percent. Facial hair: increase 60 percent." Rob didn't have to give this guy much more of a beard than the one he already sported. Only a few modifications in, his subject was already looking like a true neanderthal.

"Back: increase arch 75 percent. Adapt skeletal structure to necessitate knuckle walking. Decrease hand dexterity 50 percent; increase finger length and bone thickness 60 percent. Shoulder blades: decrease length 50 percent. Body fat: decrease to 8 percent. Musculature: increase 150 percent. Weight: increase to 220 pounds. Height: decrease to 5'5".

"Language: load speech template Prehistoric1, adjust thought processes and mannerisms to match. Sexual orientation: heterosexual, driven to mate. Sexual activity: frequent. Clothing: load clothing template Caveman1."

Right there in the common room of this college apartment stood a hulking piece of ancient history. This may have been Rob's most remarkable transformation to date. Geico had nothing on him.

"Save changes." Rob smiled at his work and considered what to do next. •

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