Self-Talk

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By Hoosier Daddy

Sally�s father was turning eighty-two in a couple of weeks and her older brothers were coming home for the party. Bill was a doctor but Sally was reluctant to tell me what Tom did for a living. We had gone out with her parents a couple of times before the big day came so I was fairly comfortable around the old man. Sally�s father�s name was William as well, I managed to call him Will on occasion but my upbringing made me more comfortable with �sir.� Sally�s mother, Marge, was a little distant until one evening I made a remark about how Sally refused to tell me what Tom did. At the time I didn�t get the connection.

I had a few days where reality tried to interfere with my workouts but the word �bypass� absolutely haunted me if I missed a single workout. I did wish I could afford the more serious supplements to assist in my regime. I did what I could. Sally was so supportive I would never have believed I�d be so lucky. One night when I went to the bar to pick up Sally after work, my luck fell in the toilet, as did my pride and much of my self confidence.

I had gone to the toilet just about the time Sally went in back to count up her tips. One of the drunks from the bar had followed me into the bathroom. It was a small place with two urinals and one stall and one sink. It was made smaller by the size of the guy who had just walked in. I�m no lightweight but this guy was definitely in the heavyweight class muscle-wise. The room got even smaller once I found out who he was. I was drying my hands when he spoke to me, his broad back was all I could see.

�So you�re the one she dumped me for. I�m Brent. You can call me �Bull.� Let me know if I can give you a few pointers, what she likes and that. You see I�m not mad or anything. Hell, I had a piece on the side just waitin� for me to cut her loose. She did me a fuckin� favor.�

�I�m glad things went well for you, Bull. See you later.� I hadn�t taken a step before Bull showed his immense lack of class. Unfortunately that�s not all about the man that was immense.

�Wanna see what she really liked?� Laughing, he turned around. Flopped across his hand was the reason for his nickname. The bastard really was hung like a bull. He began stroking his cock. �Wanna see how big this bad boy really is?�

�Thanks but no thanks.� I walked to the door but made the mistake of looking back. Even at half mast the guy was as big as a porno star. I shut the door to the sound of his laughter. Sally was already waiting and we left immediately before Brent �the Bull� came out of the bathroom waving his stiff dick around and calling for Sally.

David was an off duty cop Sally had introduced me to, he was a black belt and a regular at the bar. He was there with his wife who was shocked and offended. David ushered Brent outside and knocked his dick in the dirt literally. Brent was told in no uncertain terms that he was not to come back to the bar for any reason. The fire in the eyes of the five-foot three inch cop convinced the Bull to seek another pasture. David returned to the bar amidst cheers and applause.

The next day was kind of rough. Sally couldn�t have known why I wasn�t very amorous that night. How could I tell her I wasn�t even sure I existed as a man. She was understanding and asked if I wanted her to come over and ease my troubles. I lied and told her I was just anxious about meeting her brother Bill who was arriving in town on the nine-thirty flight. I said we should probably just go home and call it a night. It was nearly three already.

After I walked he to her door and kissed her goodnight, I knew the meaning of the old Motown song �I Wish It Would Rain.� Even though I knew I needed to get to sleep, after I parked my car at home I went the other direction and found myself near the park. I kicked an empty can of one of those energy drinks and it spun like a top and came to rest standing right side up. I remembered seeing that same can in that same position before.

It�s strange how little reality has to do with depression. If put to the question, I�d have told you truthfully about all the things that were going right in my life. On the other hand I just wanted to die. I know that it didn�t make sense. I knew then that it didn�t make sense. Whoever said it made sense? My inability to cope with or even talk about the situation, especially with Sally, had knocked me into an emotional tailspin. My blues had officially turned black.

I had to go to the bathroom and headed for the public toilets. I became aware that I was in the park at four-o-two in the morning. Even though the parks were patrolled regularly, I didn�t like the probability of running into anyone. Funny I was considering the death option, yet I was afraid of being murdered. I was wary of every shadow even though I was alone for as far as I could see.

I felt the hairs on the back of my head stand up. I started at a noise behind me. There was no sign of anyone. When I turned back around there was someone sitting on the bench about fifty feet ahead of me. I�d have sworn the bench was empty a moment before. The man sitting there didn�t look like a bum, nor did he look like he belonged there at all.

He was bearded, with salt and pepper hair that was neat but a little long. What caught my eye most was the fact that this man who appeared to be about my age, wore a knit shirt that hugged his form. That form was solid muscle. I tried not to stare. He, on the other hand, never took his eyes off me. His faint smile didn�t make me feel any more at ease. Somewhere I had seen him before, though. Somehow I knew he was about to start singing.

�If you leave me tonight I will cry. Though you say we will soon meet again.For the hours I�ve spent here with you are like words from a poet�s pen.�

I didn�t feel much like singing, but he happened to have chosen a song that had special meaning to me. So don�t ask me why in my own quiet shaky voice I replied. �Words like love, and truth and goodness, words like �Til death us do part.� Although my voice practically left on the word �death,� he joined me, right down to my whisper.

Together we quietly sang �I will never Love another. If you leave, take my heart. Take my heart. Take my heart.� He seemed to know exactly what I was feeling.

�Kid, you got it bad. I didn�t remember how fast I fell in love. It�s nice to have a reminder.�

My scalp felt like I was wearing a hat. It wasn�t painful, but I noticed a tightness all the way around the crown of my skull. I sat on the bench next to him. I had dropped a lot of fat and had firmed up a lot in the past few weeks, but this guy was what I wanted to be. I�m not gay. Yet I was reminded of something Pete Townsend of the Who had said. As I scratched my hair he said the words that had just ran through my head.

�I was watching Mick Jagger dancing on stage and It was the first time I realized that I wanted to fuck a man." Then he reached up and brushed the hair away from his forehead. I was so impressed with his biceps I almost failed to notice the scar over his left eye. I had a full body shiver as the Deja-vu washed over me. He stood up and started walking �As before, I haven�t got long and you still have to go to the bathroom.�

I followed a few steps behind him for a while. I was reminded of how my mother had said that my father and my brother and I all had the same walk. I sped up to catch up with him. �I wasn�t going to do anything stupid, you know.�

�You forget I�m not doing this for you, I�m doing this for me. When you saw that can and then checked your watch, it gave me a target to come back to. I�m not sure and I don�t want to find out what would have happened if I had gone back to the bar. If I�m right that encounter has become unreal for you. Hasn�t it?�

�Yeah, if I�m taking better care of myself, then what happens if he doesn�t exist in that form in the future, in my future?�

�Don�t bother with that, your head is going to hurt like hell without that. Now let�s get down to brass tacks. You met Brent the Bull and you don�t think that you can satisfy Sally since she�s slept with somebody bigger than you.�

I hid behind my sense of humor. �If you�ll pardon the pun, that�s about the size of it.�

I don�t really think I have a nice smile but seeing it on him that night I began to think differently. �That was as bad a pun as you think it was. There are two things that you know have to happen and I came back to tell you that you�ve got them bass-backwards. First, when you go home tonight, dial Sally�s cell. Let it ring once and when she calls back tell her about what happened tonight and what you�re feeling about pleasing her. Period. Nothing else. I don�t have to tell you why you should stop there.� I nodded. �Good. Now for the tough part. The novel is almost done? Yes?� Again I nodded. I admit I couldn�t take my eyes off of his/my body. Ever since I actually saw what really big arms looked like in relationship to normal arms, I wanted them. Here was proof that I�d have them. �Pay attention, damn it! Listen now. In a minute I�ll show you something to inspire you.�

I said �Okay. I�ll let her phone ring once and let the conversation flow."

"Now I hope I�m not fucking things up.� He paused. �No. I feel certain, now.�

I glanced down at his wrist and noticed something had changed. �What�s that?� I asked. �The old man didn�t change while I was with him.�

�Maybe he wasn�t sure going to you would work. I�m sure it will. By the way how old do you think I am?� He asked as I opened the bathroom door.

�I don�t know. You look younger than me! Did you find out how to come back sooner? Is that a Rolex?�

�This old thing?� He walked in ahead of me. I wondered if he was really there or if he would have passed through the door like what�s his name on Quantum Leap. �AL.� He said calmly filling in my thought. �Yeah, your, eh Sally�s brother gave it to me. Which is what I have to tell you. No matter how much you want his help. Don�t ask for it. You just keep saying that you don�t want to abuse the relationship. Whenever Sally says you should, just say �It wouldn�t be right� and change the subject. Do I look bigger to you?� He was flexing his muscles in the mirror.

�Was that what you wanted to show me? Yes, you are bigger. Damn!� When I had seen him on the bench he could have entered an armature bodybuilding contest. Now he looked like he could win the Olympia.

�No but I hadn�t decided whether to tell you how soon to tell Bill about your encounter with Bull. Wait a minute.� He pulled a folded paper out of his pocket. It was a boarding pass with Bill�s flight on it and the words in big bold letters �Tell him everything!� written on it in my handwriting. �I guess that answer�s that. I�ve saved this since the first time we met about thirty eight years ago.�

�Thirty-eight? That would make you-� •


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