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Survivor: Muscle Beach
|"Good day to you viewers, this is your host Jacob Wellington,
welcoming you to another exciting week of Suvivor: Muscle Beach. As
you recall, last week our contestants had to deal with two problems.
The first was the first challenge of making it up to the main camp.
First one there was the winner. But besides all the natural
obsticles, they had to face another serious problem... my cohost,
Jeremy Brooks, who lept from the helicopter and announced himself as
contestant to go for the grow.
"If you recall, the winnder of the foot race was Yu Hung, the aging Japanese porno star who wanted to win this contest so he could come back taller, stronger, more hung, and younger looking again so he could restart his career. He was an unfit 180 lbs on a 6'3" frame but somehow managed to break free from the rest of the crowd and win the nector of the gods, the sweet, tingly, and body enhancing, bicepia fruit juice.
"Well the men are moving out to the central cicle, where Yu will step up and have his measurements taken. Our doctor is rubbing him, er judging him up and down... he's flashing the tape all over and across the beaming Yu. He looks remarkable for a man of fifty years old, I'd say the one drink took about five years off of him... The tape goes around his biceps, from head to toe, ... around the waist... and along his rising, thickening member.... Yu looks mighty pleased. The official is coming over and faxing us the results: Yes the juice is earning its potential... Yu was 6'3" and now measures 6' 3 1/4", his drooping pecs have perked up a little bit his pathetic 16" arms are now up to 17" his waist back down to 35 from a 37 and his 11" dick is now sporting 11 1/4". Remarkable transformation from one drink.
"He's pretty pleased with himself.... he's strutting around the dais... and OH look at that! Onyx has shoved him off. It looks like he's getting a helping hand up from Li Wang, but NOOOOO! Li has flipped him over and further from the circle. The rest of the contestants are gathering around him, punching, kicking, and wait they're moving!.... they're moving him out towards the pick up spot. It appears that last night's vote booted old Yu out and off the islands and the show! Too bad, not the dreams ya hoped for, but at least ya have another fourth of an inch to work with in show biz...
"And now back down to the contestants... Being lead by one of our officials, the group is taken up to the top of the mountain on this tiny island to the gateway and garden of the mountain temple. Beyond the gate lies the garden of disonance which our contestants must go through in order to reach the gate to the hot pool of tranquility where sits a golden statue of Buddah. In Buddah's hands lies the prize, the cup containing the bicepia juice. But don't think this is going to be an easy meander through the garden ladies and gentleman, for coming into the circles now, ready to square off with our contestants and protect the sacred Buddah and his treasure, are ten of the best and biggest sumo wrestlers!
"The contestants have been given the rules.... they turn towards their opponents, they bow to one another, bow to themselves, bow to the official, the offical stikes the gong..... and off they go to wrestle!
"In circle number one is the Irish lad, Sean, 25, 5'10" 155lbs who's facing a 6' 325 mass of a man. The contestants have been pretty much allowed cart blanche in order to move their man out of the circle, or pin him on the ground. But sumo wreslters aren't as soft as they appear and can take AND DEAL a lot of punishment... "Sean is applying his street approach, no luck of the Irish here I'm afraid. He gives his opponent a left, left, left, and a right... another left, who knew this guy was a southpaw! And yet another jab straight dead on to the face. He's still jabbing, jabbing, OH! Mother of God! That's gotta make the ears ring. Sean's sumo, in the middle of that pummeling to the face, simply reached up and clapped Sean's head in the ears, between his massive hands brutilty. Seans is staggering around the ring shaking his head. I don't think Sean is going to be a Rocky nor Apollo Creed anytime soon.
"Ring two has Jerry Baker in it, and right next to him in ring three is his brother Kerry. These twin boys are hoping to grow and buff up here to make it in and take over the World of Wrestling, but can these 22 year old 6' boys do it? It looks right now that both of them are running around and dodging their respective sumo wrestler's both of whom stand 6'2" and weigh 340. They've gone round and round the circle now about two to three times, I'm not sure what they're up to, but you can see something in their eyes...
"Ring Four: current home of a 6'6" 400 lb sumo great and our tallest frink of water, 7', 18 year old Skye the Native American college student from Phoenix, Arizona. He's going in aggressively against the wrestler, but he keeps getting caught and thrown down to the ground... OH! he's thrown again and hard. That face is going to be black and blue by tonight. The sumo has had many opportunities so far to throw Skye out, but Skye, using his long long legs, wraps them around the sumo's waist in the prep for the throw, and it becomes incomplete.
"Li Wang, the 5'5" Chinese gymnast is in Ring number five, and he's creating quite a specticle of himself. He acts like he's going in for a hold, a grip. a square off, and instead he starts doing acrobatic flips and such off of his 6'3" opponents arms. Round and flip and over he goes where he stops no one will know!
"Next up in ring six is the Mexican store clerk, Sacramento, who's pitting his six foot, 167 pound frame against a 6'2" 358 pound man. But what is going on? They're just standing there circling each other round and round and round they go. The sumo is stomping, and yelling, and making mean, hard, faces..... Sacramento is....well.... he's smiling back. I'd swear he's flirting with the sumo....
"Acting well the part in this ring is Dietrich, our 6'5" 180lb rising German star in ring seven. He seems to be somewhat evenly matched with a 6'4" 300 pound sumo and the two are butting heads, I think literally with each and every grasp at one another. They are gripping hard one another. Dietrich isn't strong enough to lift or brute force push the sumo, but is wry and spry enough to be slippery and get out of any hold, so the sumo can pick him up long enough to pitch him. The sweat is pouring of these two men and they battle it out.
"Our crocodile hunter from down under, 6' 196 pound Russell, looking somewhat a little like a sumo hiself in his build, is who's pounding it out in ring number eight. They've gone after it a few times, and surprizingly wrestling those crocs must have helped out a bit as the power from down under as actually managed to grip and twist his way into holding the behemoth sumo and nearly flipped him out. We'll see what happens later....
"In ring nine is our newest and rudest contestant (and my formerly bitch slave...) Jeremy Brooks. Jeremy knew what most of the contests would be, but that pre-existing knowledge I don't think helped him here as his 5'11" 170lb frame isn't too much of an obsticle for the great sumo giant, who is 6'8". (Ha ha ha you think you're out of reach, my former pet...I can rig a thing or two from up here you little ho!) OOOOOH! Jeremy has just been slammed down to the mat, as it were, so hard, it blew his shirt off... I bet we can count him out soon.
"Last but certainly not least in ring number ten, is our very own Lee Haney wanna be, 6'2" 190 pound boudybuilder from Los Angeles, ONYX! His opponent is 6'5" and 335 pounds, but I'm pretty sure that's a light bench for Onyx there, even though his build isn't quite competition level. They're in a pushing match right now, and the sumo is looking pissed as not only can Onyx take the slap, but can give as well, their chest and faces are red as hell and it isn't the tropical sun that is buring them let me tell you....
"OH MY GOD! Look at that! LOOK AT THAT! Ring number five. Scramento was eyeing the great sumo wrestler! He moved in for a lock in pose with the wrestler and at the last second ducked down and pulled down the sumo's wrap. I don't know what they've been screaming at each other but that sumo's cock sprung out of the wrap hard and rigid as stone....and now Sacramento is taking the sumo's head down....ALL THE WAY DOWN! and the sumo is stopped dead in his tracks. He's standing still and I'm not sure what kind of a smile is spreading on his face, but it is certainly a big one....
"In rings two and three the Baker brothers have been dodging and dodging their sumos and their running away from each other, in their seperate rings, and the sumos have them, THE SUMOS HAVE THEM! The wreslters..... good god almighty, the brothers planned this! The sumos flung them out of the at each other. They've met feet in the air and pushed off from one another, flying towards the sumos, and are preparing to give them a flying clothes line! ........ BUT NO! OH MAN! That's gonna hurt big time! The sumos weren't moved by the clothes line, just jabbed in the throat and neither one was happy. As the brothers, arms across the sumo's throats, circled or flung around them, the sumos raised a hand, pressed it againts the chest, flung the brothers back to back into one another, and then slammed them into the ground. They aren't moving, they are both pretty limp.... not an auspicious start to wrestling careers.... the officials have gone over... checking them out.... AND BOTH ARE OUT COLD! There's not hope for those twins yet.
"Dietrich is down... Dietrich is DOWN! The two men clashed with one another again, but apparently, Diectrich seeing what his neighboring contestant, Sacramento, was doing, thought he'd join in and grab his opponents balls. This move wasn't appreciated and the sumo squeezed with all his might the midsection of Dietrich. The sumo dropped Dietrich to the floor. Dietrich gets up, his legs steady, his torso wobbling round and round, he's gasping for breath, and holding his side. One of the officials has called in a timer... he says he heard something snap.... Dietrich is too his knees! The officials are in the ring... the offical is shaking his head... Dietrich is forced out by a broken rib, and the officals wanna exray him for his lungs. This actor will see no more footage today....
"Back in ring six, the sumo is convulsing it looks like. He's shakin! He's quakin'! He's smiling in extasy! My god! Sacramento has got him off!
"Wait a minute! Hold on! The croc hunter has his man! Russell has his man down and pinned it seems, a count of one, two.... oh my god, the sumo has managed to roll his mass over the tenacious Aussie! The shoulders of the sumo are up, the shoulders of the hunter are down. His hands are pounding the sides of the sumo.... a count of one...... two..... his hands are slowing down.... his hands have gone limp..... a count of three..... He's pinned, Russell is out, but the officials can't get the sumo off of him. He looks pissed and yet now has a smile of sweet revenge.... They're checking the hand of the aussie... there's no PULSE! The officials have just tranqed the sumo to get him off. They're running up to Russell.... they're giving him mouth to mouth. Russell makes movement.... in fact, he's up... he's screaming... OH he's kicked and now punched the face of the unconcious sumo. Bad form, but worth the release of anger I guess.
"Good Lord, what was that? One of the officials near Russell just had to duck and something flew over him and into the small retention pond. Ha ha... IT WAS JEREMY! And that means the former co-host is out of this round, poor guy.
"WHOA wait a minute, wait a minute! The sumo in ring six, with Sacramento.... he's just picked up his thong, gave Sacramento a big kiss and a hug, and thrown himself out of the ring! He's out of the contest and Sacremento has no just sprinted for the gate to the pool, picks up the juice, bows to Buddah, and gulps the juice down! What little is left of his shirt, he's tearing it off... He's screaming in triumph... he's standing a little taller... he's becoming clearer cut and defined, the rod in his pants is standing at attention and getting a little taller.... this man is stoked!
"In retaliation to life, Sean has responded and is pissed! The two of them have been going round and round with the jack slapping and it looks like Sean isn't happy with Sacramento's uhm.... easy win and is doubling his pounding blows! One to the face, one to the stomach, one to the throat, stomach again, face, balls, shoulders, face, stomach, balls, AND THE FACE AGAIN AND THE SUMO SLUMPS DOWN! SEAN IS SECOND, SECOND TO REACH THE GATE!
"Not to be outdone, completely, Li who has been doing all sorts of flips and stuff on, off, and around, his sumo opponent, has just stood still for a few five seconds, the sumo has rushed in for the grab, fling, and push, and Li has bounded over the sumo, landing on the sumo's head, kicked off and landed on the other side of the ring, while the sumo, falls out! Li comes in third!
"Oh man, what a brutal chop to the back of the head! Becoming distracted with Li's moves and going to third place, Onyx has forgotten hisself and his place and let the sumo jack slap him hard! The sumo has picked Onyx up, body slammed him to the ground, and down for the pin!
"Meanwhile while waiting for their fourth placed friend.... Sacramento, Sean, and Li appear to have gotten busy with learning the winning tricks as Sacramento is giving both men a blow job, while they grope his newly cut and defined body!
"Of coure the only person left is Skye and while Onyx was pinned, Skye took a cue from Li, but he allowed himself to nearly get caught, but the sumo, making a move for the waist, forgot Skye's hieght. Skye, waist free, but knees nearly caught, surprizes us all, and his opponent, with a backflip, that knocks the sumo right in the puss sending him reeling backwards and out of the ring! Skye has claimed his place in fourth as he approaches gate.
"My god! what an action packed adventure that was, but wait it gets even more challenging tonight. The officials have brought out a picture... it has several brownish circles kind of stacked up like a wall, there is one golden one stacked in with them, and the whole thing has blue streaks running down in front of it. It's a puzzle and the contestant who solves this puzzle, will be able to find a tree on which grows the bicepia fruit. The fruit, of course, is several times more potent, than the juice. However, one mustn't let this interfere with the contests, for if a contestant misses one challenge, he's off the island. Oh, and by the way, Jeremy doesn't know the answer to this, so he's right in there with the rest of them.
Well as we add the point up for the end of this week we see the following:
Sacramento & Yu Hung: 15 points (although Yu is voted off & out) Dietrich & Sean: 10 points Skye: 8 points Li: 5 points Jeremy: 3 points Onyx, Jerry, Kerry, and Russell: 0 points.
"But remember, points don't matter except in the end when they add up to bonus ounces of juice, and who knows who the cast will vote off this evening. We'll have to wait and see. Stay tuned next week as we watch them square off again on SURVIVOR: MUSCLE BEACH!"
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