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Survivor: Muscle Beach
|“G’day folks and welcome to that exciting new reality show – Survivor,
Muscle Beach! I’m your host Jacob Wellington. Now this game of survivor
is a little bit different than the one you’ve probably seen. Jeremy, why
don’t you explain it to the folks at home?”
“Ha-low, Ha-low, Ha-low! I’m your co-host Jeremy Brooks and Jacob is right. In that OTHER program you’ve been watching you’ve seen people compete in races and contests, try to suck up to one another, take there emotions and spew them all out in a vote off, and all for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow – ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” However, it’s a bit odd here. We have ten contestants, each who have expressed a desire to be taller, stronger, more endowed, more striking than what they are now. Each week they are going to compete in several competitions on the island below in order to earn a chance to drink the magic bicepia juice. This juice from an exotic fruit that grew here on the island has miraculous properties that will change any man into a juggernaut if taken in mass quantities.” But that’s not all. There are places: first, second, third, and fourth, for each challenge, which earn points that the contestants rack up. At the end, when the winner is chosen, the points will equal added ounces of juice he gets to drink and grow and pump up with to his winning yard high mug!” And that’s still not all. Besides the challenges and the living alone on the island, they will vote off person each week. This won’t be set up by the hosts, or the producers of the show, we’re stationed on a coast inland somewhere. We only get to see what’s happening by the TV and web cams we’ve posted around the island and we comment to you from that. The voting is done by the contestants themselves, according to their mood, compassion, feelings, whatever. When, a player is voted out, he has no choice. The others will run him up to the pick up spot, where he will be shot with a tranq gun, and hoisted away by helicopter while he sleeps, poor bastard….”
“And speaking of them, let’s meet our contestants as they arrive from boat onto the shore:
“First up, at 6’2” 195 lbs, an African American with black hair and brown eyes. This 28 year old bodybuilder has been trying to break into the pro ranks of the IFBB but has never been able to pack on the mass, and he’s tired of earning his keep au natural, from Los Angeles, California it’s ONYX!
“Next on the beach is Sean. He is a 5’10”, 155 lb swimmer from Dublin, Ireland complete with red hair, green eyes, and freckles. This 25 year old stud says he’s tired of being the small guy back home; his older brothers are 6’1 and 6’2”. He’s wanting to pack on some size so he can play King Brian Boru and make his brothers grovel at his feet, like they make him do.
“Here now is a challenge built within the contestants. These two twin boys are here to gain muscle and size as they desire to enter the ranks of the world of wrestling and become the tag team champs for eternity. Add to the mix that one is all hardcore: computers, cars, welding; and the other is soft: music, cooking, poetry, and you don’t know what to expect or whose coming at you, Jerry or Kerry? These farmer tan boys who stand 6’ tall, 175 lbs, with their blond hair and blue eyes, from Piedmont, North Dakota, are hoping they’re being twins will help ensure at least ONE of them gets BIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-G!
“Speaking of BIG, that tall drink of water coming up now, hails from Phoenix, Arizona. He’s skipped his first year of courses at Arizona State, just to come here and vie for the chance of packing on muscle. At 7’ tall and 258 lbs, he’s practically a bean pole, and that’s something he’s hated hearing all his life. You can see that in his burning black eyes as they peer through that black mane of his. If he has his way, he’s going to become a thunder-god. It’s 18 year old, Skye!
“Well now, the next guy coming up, creates quite the picture for any Tall guy/Short guy web pages. Behind Skye, walks Li, a 5’5” 167lb black-haired, brown eyed, 20 year old gymnast from Beijing, China. Li has made some movie appearances and is a little tired of people commenting on how much smaller he is in person as opposed to the big screen. He’s hoping to turn that comment around.
“Next up is Sacramento. He’s 20 year old, 6’, 150 lb convenient store clerk, who has desired to have SOME sort of muscular build, and to meet a muscular build as well. This brown eyed, black hair with blond tips, Mexican from Oaxaca, is out to get muscle in any form, or way he can.
“The eldest of our contestants is up next. He has an unusual name, and not because he’s from Tokyo, Japan. He gave himself the moniker to fit with his job as a porno star. This 50 year old sex addict is hoping to turn back the hands of time on his 6’3”, 180 lb ( a little loose there I might add) black haired, hazel eyed frame. Ya know if I look deep into his eyes, I think I might recognize him. If you recognize him, you know that it’s the infamous, Yu Hung.
“Speaking of actors, we have a budding one here. He’s been in show biz for about ten years. This whole time he’s been tired of having to be fit and trim to fit the parts offered. He’s always wanted some size, and now with the success of people like Lou Ferrigno and Roland Kickinger, he’s hoping some monster mass will bring him more parts. Let’s envision 31 year old Dietrich.
“Now comes the last of our contestants. He’s got a famous job, handling famous creatures, but he’s not the famous face you’d connect with it. From Perth, Australia, this 33 year old croc hunter, who stands 6’ and weighs 196lbs with brown hair and ice blue eyes, is hoping that if he puts on some hulk type proportions, he can wrangle more crocs and become more famous, than old what’s his face. Don’t let his weight and pudginess fool you folks, in tryouts he’s shown there is plenty of muscle under there. Say G’day to Russell.
Now, as the boat and the helicopter pull away, the first of the challenges will shortly begin. The captain of the boat will fire a shot into the air, and the contestants will have to race to the top of that plateau, over the lagoon, which is the area for their encampment. The first one there not only gets his first taste of juice, but also gets to call his crashing space firrrr….. Good Lord! There is someone else coming up on the shore. I can’t quite make out what he looks like. Jeremy, can you get a good look at him? Jeremy….., Jeremy!”
“I’m not up there, you stupid twit! It’s me, down here. I’m the other guy crawling up on the beach. I’ve been your co-host for too long, friggin jerk! I’ve placed my self in this contest, I’m gonna win the contest, and I’m gonna come back as big as a gorilla, with a donkey dong, to fuck your brains out of your ass and make you pay for making me be the second man on the totem pole for way to long!”
“uhhhh….. And with that Jeremy has ripped off his head seat and mic, and is proceeding to the starting line. Since, the boat and the helicopter have orders not to come back ever, except for a vote off, I guess Jeremy’s in, at least for today, perhaps. So let’s welcome this 30 year old FORMER television CO-host (I gave you the breaks you ungrateful little bastard of a but buddy…), who is topped with dirty blond mop hair, greenish eyes, stands 5’11” at about 170 lbs, from Brighton, England… oh hell, I’ll get his dozier later, if he survives, and tell you viewers his stats then.
“At any rate the points awarded are these: 15 points for 1st place, 10 points for 2nd place, 5 points for 3rd place, and 3 points for 4th place. And, there’s the starters pistol! Everyone has made a great jumping start but they’re headed in different directions. Jeremy seems to have been the first to make it to the pass that goes up and through the plateau to the encampment, followed by Onyx, Skye, Sacremento, and Yu Hung. It looks as though Jerry & Kerry are going to try and save time by using the vines on the cliffs and climb straight up. They’re followed in that thought by Dietrich & Sean.
“On the other side of the beach there is a waterfall. Now this waterfall doesn’t drop straight down, although its steep grade comes about as close as it can without making a 90 degree angle with the beach. Russell and Li have made their way there and are trying to hop up stone to stone, working their way up to the encampment. Russell is gripping the rocks with his hands like a vice now, as the grade becomes a little steeper, almost pulling, not walking, up the waterfall. Good night! However, Li is using his gymnastic ability to spring and bound from stone to rock to boulder to even pebbles I think. He’s moving up and down and so fast, it’s like Tigger from Whinny the Pooh!
“Back to the cliff, it seems that Jerry & Kerry had the right idea, but not enough triceps power. Their pull to climb up the cliff with the vines is becoming slower and slower by the second. It seems as Sean is having the same problem to. Maybe he should have used his swimmers skills, acted like a salmon, and swam up the waterfall. However our German, actor friend, Dietrich apparently has mountain climbing or cliff climbing as a hobby. He’s made it three fourths of the way up the cliff already!
“Moving back to the pass… It did appear the Jeremy, with his knowledge of the encampment was going to surpass everyone and stay there, but Skye with his incredible long legs is proving to be a fantastic distance runner and has passed Jeremy a ways. Not only that, but our former porn star, Yu Hung, is apparently VERY anxious to get his career jump started again and has pulled his 6’3” frame past Jeremy as well.
“Although those boys are nearly to the top of the pass, I don’t thinks it’s going to matter for them for Li has one rock to go before he reaches the top and make a sprint to the encampment and Russell isn’t to far behind.
“There seems to be a little bit of commotion going on at both the pass and the cliff. Cliffside it seems that Dietrich has kicked up a miniscule rock slide, that the twins don’t like, but they’re blaming it on Sean it seems, pulling at his feet. Sean isn’t very appreciative of this and …. OOH! Ow! He just planted his heel firmly into the eye of Kerry. That’s got to hurt. Speaking of hurting, I think Skye’s chin is going to smart for awhile and be discolored from his normal copper tone. He took a dive on the pass, landing chin first in the stone. He’s recovered nicely, still leaving Jeremy, Onyx, and Sacremento behind, but Yu Hung is still in his lead. Dietrich has pulled himself up and over the ledge. Yu Hung is at the top of the pass. And Li has just bounded his way to the top of the water… Oh no! Li has slipped and fallen, not only taking himself out, but tagging Russell out as well, both contestants are flowing DOWN the waterfall now, and there are going to be some bruised ribs tonight! Our three leaders are heading for the central stone, where a glass of bicepia juice awaits. Sean has just pulled himself up on the landing, and Jeremy is rounding the bend on the pass. They’re both going to make up for lost time here… Oh down goes Sean, no wait, it’s Jerry. Up slightly before his brother, Jerry grabbed onto the ankle of Sean and pulled him down. Jerry and Kerry are both up on the ledge now, but WHAM! Sean has just clotheslined the twins as they are getting up. So much for their wrestling moves, and now it breaks up into a small fist-to-cuffs between those three. However at the central stone it looks like Yu Hung and Dietrich have both arrived at the same time, both reaching, but Yu Hung fakes a grab for the glass, Dietrich tries to block, Yu Hung, pushes Di’s hands down, grabs the glass, and…. Chug chug-a-lug! The juice is beginning to work some wonders now… Yu Hung’s clothes are fitting a little more snuggly now, his face is a little less etched, his package is coming to life and snaking down the leg of the pants that hold them, he’s standing straighter, slightly taller maybe…. The porno star has found his Viagra! Following behind to earn the coveted point positions: Dietrich gets second, Skye in third, and of all people, Jeremy places fourth.
“Tonight will be the first vote off, but because of Jeremy’s joining them, some will get an extra week. They’ll hold a meeting tonight to cast their lots, but in the meantime, after a few fights, some bandages, and some food, each one will find a place to bunk in an area of the encampment. We’ll explore that and the rest of the island next time as we watch, SURVIVOR-MUSCLE BEACH! Who do you think muscle story viewers, will be the first cast off. Place your votes at home, and Good Night!”
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